I woke up feeling very sad and angry. I don’t exactly know why. I am just becoming frustrated. One moment I feel so lucky and thankful for everything I have been given in this life but then another moment I feel like I can’t catch a break. It’s very confusing. I do think I have spectacular life and I have had so many amazing experiences already but I also feel like there is so much missing. I feel inferior to a lot of people around me, which I think is a good thing to a certain extent because it keeps me humble, but I hate this feeling. I hate feeling like I’ll never be good enough. I hate feeling like I have this kind of standard I have to live up to. I hate feeling like I will never find love because I will never learn to love myself fully. I hate feeling like I am going to be alone for the rest of my life…. But at the same time maybe that’s just my path in life. I know it sounds strange to say something like that so early in life but I really have just had this premonitive feeling about my life journey.

And sometimes I just feel that life is so hard. Sometimes I just feel like things are so unfair in this world but then I remind myself that life can’t be perfect. I wholeheartedly try to take these feelings and experiences and grow from them, but while you’re actually immersed in them it’s very difficult. I don’t know. I just don’t feel good right now.

I haven’t been watching what I’ve been eating at all lately and let me just tell you that I feel fucking fantastic! I feel like chains have been lifted and the sun has risen! Hahaha no but seriously I can’t even begin to explain how much better I feel now that I’m not calculating every calorie, and scrutinizing every move I make. I still eat healthy but if I want some ice cream or something I’m not going to restrict myself or feel guilty if I decide to eat some. And this was a really hard idea to wrap my head around but I recently realized that… IM NOT FAT. And even if I was, that’s not a bad thing. I have been fixated on this weight loss obsession for YEARS. It had literally consumed my entire life, but I realized that I am not how much I weigh. That number on the scale doesn’t determine how compassionate I am or how kind I am. That number doesn’t determine my willingness to help others or my positive thoughts. That number doesn’t mean shit and it makes me angry that I allowed something so superficial to eat away at me for years. I was on edge and ridden with anxiety and now I finally feel content. For some people giving up on a diet would mean failure but for me it’s the exact opposite. For me, giving up this diet shows me just how far I have come with my self confidence and acceptance. Things are really looking up and this is just the beginning.

I’m so free spirited that I sometimes think its a disadvantage. I feel like my whole life I will never be able to settle down. I will always be looking for a new adventure, a new journey, a new pursuit! Which I suppose is a good thing, but I feel like that will lead me to never feeling satisfied. Maybe momentarily, but not long term. I feel like I will never get married and have kids because I could never commit to anything. Which doesn’t particularly bother me but I just can’t imagine myself doing anything ordinary. All I know is that I want to feel this freedom my whole life.

I have realized a really huge problem that I have and it’s that I don’t possess the ability to let go. It is literally painful for me to let go of people and situations. It’s not that I don’t forgive people it’s just that I let painful situations of my past linger inside me and it really brings me down and causes me to have unnecessary fears, anxieties etc. I need to learn how to let go of things. Things are changing in my life and it’s clear that where I stand with some people is not the same place that it was months ago and I need to understand that it’s okay. I need to learn that just because one person wronged me doesn’t mean I need to carry that pain and use it to build a wall between me and other people. I really just need to open my heart to what life has to offer me. I have become extremely guarded within the last year or so. I feel like I don’t know where to begin with opening myself up to other people, but I know I need to approach these changes positively. If there is one thing I have learned in life, it’s that the more positivity you radiate the more positivity you receive.

Literally haven’t left my bed all day. I have no energy. I haven’t been working out. I feel unmotivated. I feel like I have no real friends. No one really cares about me. My house is a wreck. I hate the way I look. Literally all I think about is how much I hate my body. I am just not happy. I don’t even know how to feel better at this point. I’m sick of hiding my feelings and portraying a positive attitude… I’m sick of helping people who never help me. I’m sick of being anxious. I’m sick of being alone, but I would almost rather be alone that keep adding fake friends to the list. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I don’t even know what to do.

Because I am moving to San Francisco this fall I was looking into programs at the community college up there and I think I want to major in culinary arts and minor in small business and horticulture. Basically I want to own my own all natural/organic cafe. I want to minor in horticulture so I can grow a lot of my own ingredients and then it can be a traditional farm to table cafe. The San Francisco community college has a really amazing culinary arts program and I honestly love food and cooking so much. I think this would be something I would be really passionate about. I’m so excited for my future!

I keep telling myself to stop equating being thin with being happy. It’s easy to tell myself this but it’s so hard to believe it. I see plenty of inspiration but I always fall into the same mindset where I feel like I will be abandoned if I gain weight. I am so fucking sick of my weight consuming my life. I feel like I can’t escape it.

I’m just gonna vent real quick….

It really bothers me when people at my work fucking mope around and complain about how much they hate their job. Like yeah obviously there are a billion other things I would rather be doing but I still show up to work everyday, on time, with a smile on my face and with a positive attitude because I just feel lucky to have such a stable job. And of course we all have bad days at work sometimes but when you’re constantly just pissed and annoyed because you have to be at work it pisses me off and it comes across as you having terrible work ethic. NO ONE WANTS TO BE AT WORK, but it’s a responsibility that you decided to take up so you might as well enjoy it. I always try to tell the negative people that I work with to approach work with a more positive mindset but no one listens because apparently they enjoy being annoyed/angry at work. It’s seriously aggravating. Just BE HAPPY. WHY DO YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE MISERABLE????

I think one of my biggest pet peeves with people in general is that a lot of people lack the ability to look at a situation fairly and objectively. Whenever I have an arguement with someone I am usually able to detach myself from my perspective and see where the other person is coming from. It bothers me so bad when people are hard-headed. I mean it’s great to have a strong opinion, and there are some exceptions, but I just find it really aggravating and immature when people can’t ever be agreeable or admit that they’re wrong.

so i recently had a revelation about myself…. as many of you may know I have been working to lose weight for well over a year now and it has definitely been a struggle that has gotten the best of me. As much as I will always be a proponent of good health and an active lifestyle, I have recently realized how much I LOVEEE food! Maybe it’s not a realization because I have always known that, however I have not known how unrealistic it is to restrict myself of things that I love. I mean I am a total foodie. My whole family is the same way, we all just really love and appreciate all things culinary. That’s how I was raised. I will continue exercising and choosing the most wholesome, natural foods that I can, but I will not be so hard on myself. By restricting myself I just tack on more stress to my life, which is definitely not healthy.