I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do with my life. I have been weighing all of my options and I really can’t seem to make a decision. So after thinking long and hard about this, I have come to conclusion that the only thing I want to do in my life is travel and see the world. So next year, (or maybe the year after depending on finances) after I graduate and after summer I have legitimately decided to embark on the trip of lifetime. I am going to take off and go to all the places I have dreamed of going. I will sleep in shacks, on floors, in cabins, I don’t care. I am going to begin saving up and planning this trip asap. I want to hit India, China, Japan, Egypt, Italy, France, Sweden, Russia, England, Morocco, Germany, Brazil, Jamaica, etc. literally EVERYWHERE. Maybe it will take me a year, or two or three to get to all those places. It doesn’t matter to me honestly. This would be my biggest dream fulfilled. Maybe I’ll do intervals and leave for a few months to one continent and then come home for a few weeks then leave again to explore another continent. I really hope I can find someone to accompany me, but this person would have to be ready for a rigorous trip. It won’t be a vacation. It will most likely be very strenuous. I will probably be poor and I will have to bend over backwards to get by but what could possibly be more fulfilling? Nothing. I would have an education on so many cultures. I would see all the fantastic wonders of the world. I would learn languages and return a much more well-rounded individual. If you think I’m being unrealistic well, believe me when I tell you that I’m dead serious about becoming a nomad. All I have ever wanted was to see the world.. Unmitigated in all of it’s beauty so why shouldn’t I have that opportunity? There are very few jobs that allow you to travel around the world, therefore I am going to take matters into my own hands and make this happen. I’m going to research how other vagabonds have started their journey and hopefully by 2014 I will be off and experiencing everything the world has to offer.

Must I always be waiting on you? Keep building me up, then shooting me down. Well I’m already down cause waiting on love ain’t so easy to do

I really don’t feel self conscious anymore. Like I think everyone does to a certain extent but i have made so much progress. It’s amazing to feel comfortable in my own skin. I’m not second guessing everything I do. I have recently really came into my own, I guess you can say. I have found a niche that I think is going to be comfortable for a very long time.

It honestly makes me so sad that we all don’t look out for each other and support one another. Everyone is always tearing everyone down and finding a reason to hate. We’re all in this together. Life has so many obstacles and the fact that people cant put aside petty differences and help out their fellow human beings just makes me sick. We are all brothers and sisters of the earth who deserve to live in the absolute best way possible. From this day forward I will be devoting everything to building people up. I’m done with all the hate I’m surrounded by. I just want love and unity.

“We must learn to take care of ourselves and each other so that we can thrive and build better worlds”

I really just want to be in love. I miss that comfort of knowing that you have someone that cares for you more than anyone else. I miss that feeling of making my partner happy, and how you would do anything to put a smile on their face. I miss being a team with someone and just always knowing that someone is there for you through good and bad… no matter what. I swear romance has been surrounding me. I see couples everywhere, and hear love songs, read love poems, and at this point I feel like true love would just be like a cherry on top for me. Life has been treating me so well, but all that’s missing is a little romance. I just genuinely love being in love.

This is my fantasy right now

I just want to be done with school. Then move out with my boyfriend (who is currently nonexistent) and live in a chill little apartment near the coast or something. Not out of California, but far enough from my hometown so that I can just start a new life.

Then I want to get a job at a bookstore or something. Then me and my imaginary boyfriend can of course cuddle and have sex everyday. And we will have star wars marathons, and harry potter marathons, and we will read books, and sing songs and smoke lots of weed and I will make him delicious food everyday, and we will take walks on the beach, and go on hikes, and go to amusement parks, and go skydiving, and make tons of friends, and have parties at our house all the time. It would be so great.

Then after like a year of living there, we will get bored and pack up all of our things and move to a random state… like Louisiana or something. And we will have even more adventures and roam the streets of Baton Rouge, and listen to tons of jazz music without a care in the world. And everything will be simple and perfect. And every year we will move someplace new and have tons of exciting adventures together.

And we will have a pet lizard because lizards are awesome as fuck.

Yep. That sounds about right.

I’m probably the only person who does this but sometimes when I’m just relaxing at home or what ever, I try to create a memory. I’ll look around and try to absorb as many details of my surroundings as possible. Then I tell myself to remember this moment and try to recall it later. Then like a month later I’ll try soooo hard to think of it but I just cant remember. This has been a cycle I’ve been going through for years.

You guys, I have had an epiphany! I have been feeling so overwhelmed and frustrated. I have been feeling like everything is completely out of my control.. but ive now realized that I’m completely wrong! Everything in my life is in my control… including my happiness. I have the choice to be frustrated about a situation or move past it. Ive also realized that I need to stop trying to be perfect. I am not perfect. No one around me is perfect. So I need to accept myself and others for their faults and continue spreading love to the best of my abilities. I can only try to be the best person that I can be. And as far as being stressed and overwhelmed… ive realized that EVERYTHING will work itself out eventually. No matter what. You just have to try your best and persevere through all obstacles. I can only do so much and I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself. My priorities will now be my current health and happiness. Everything else will come secondary because in the grand scheme of things all that matters is that you are happy, healthy, and helping others. I feel so much better. There is literally no better feeling than when something just clicks in your head and sends your mood in a complete 180! No more stress. I refuse to be bothered. Life is what you make it.

I’m thinking so much about death. What if I died tomorrow. Or even today. Its so strange to think about! It can happen at anytime. What if I live to be 100! What if I only live to be 20… Every single person on earth has the same fate. Its inevitable. We are all going to die one day. We all have this one vulnerability in common.

Then I wonder how life will be after I die. Who is going to care about my death? Will I be leaving any kind of a legacy behind me? How am I going to die? Will I get sick? Maybe I’ll die by some kind of freak accident? The possibilities are endless and haunting.

I have come to an astounding realization that it’s okay to just be ME. for so so so long i have been searching within myself, and digging deeper to find out who I really am, and amidst all this struggle I have found myself becoming fixated on being perfect and not being entirely true to myself. For the first time in my life, i feel like I’ve found me. I am comfortable. This is a truly wonderful feeling. I almost can’t explain the euphoria. I feel confident and humbled at the same time. I feel like I can make mistakes and learn and grow and build off this fresh piece of groundwork that is my entire being. I’m not saying I’m completely there yet, but this is definitely a leap and bound in the right direction to self discovery.