I am trying so hard everyday to practice body positivity. I am trying so hard to strictly focus on being healthy as opposed to skinny. I am trying so hard to stop counting calories and stop beating myself up when I skip a work out. Literally all I think about every day is weight loss. It consumes me and I need to be set free of this. I need to be running and working out when I want to and stop forcing myself because it will only make me miserable. I need to accept the fact that I fucking love carbs and it’s okay to have them as long as they have nutritional value. I need to accept that I am unique, and I can’t allow myself to feel inferior or undeserving because I wasn’t born with the body type I desire.

See, I can tell myself all of these things but it’s so hard to thoroughly believe them. This has been one of the hardest matters I have ever had to overcome. I have been struggling to accept my body for years now…. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I just want to be thankful for what I have and enjoy life. Hopefully I am making some progress.

I feel as though there has been a shift in my atmosphere recently, it is like a surge of change. I feel like I am entering a transitional period of my life. I have been contemplating a lot and I feel like I have allowed myself to get too comfortable. I am not living the life I truly want to be living. I am falling slave to others expectations. I have spent a lot of time getting lost in the shadows of who I have been pretending to be and now that I am finding my true self I want to find my light again. These last few months I spent a lot of time focusing on self reflection which was a healthy practice but it has also distracted me from my journey of self discovery! My spirit has been muddled and I am now ready to be vibrant and rejuvenated. Today is the dawn of a new day for me.

I am so fucking insecure and it ruins my life. I just look in the mirror and cringe. I bought a swimsuit today and it gave me so much anxiety. I just went home and cried after. It’s the worst feeling to not like the way you look. My insecurity holds me back so much and makes me feel undeserving of any kind of love or affection. I hate looking at myself everyday and thinking “why don’t I look like her, why wasn’t I blessed like her?” I am not fishing for compliments and this isn’t a cry for attention. I am just so fed up with hating the way I look, I can’t contain it. All I want is to be confident.

I’m seriously tired 100% of my life. I am really starting to think I have a medical issue, like some kind of deficiency or imbalance. I eat well, get plenty of rest, and take vitamins but I am still so fucking tired every second of everyday. My fatigue is really starting to take a toll on my life and I am so frustrated. I have zero motivation and now i’m just starting to feel depressed. what the hell is wrong with me. I just want energyyyyyyy

Wow okay story time!

Today I was at work and this person needed help out with their groceries so I go over there, politely say hello to this middle aged woman who needed help out to her car with 2 cases of water….

She then says to me, “oh no dear, I don’t think you can handle it. I don’t think you’re strong enough.”

Which I then reply (in a joking tone) “oh don’t worry girl, I got this”

Then she replies, “um excuse me, i’m a woman AND A DOCTOR.”

HAHAHAHA WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT

So I just start busting up laughing and say “OH OHKAY DOCTOR” in a really sarcastic, bitchy tone. Then she says, “oh so now you’re gonna make fun of me?” And I just continued laughing and said “yep! Hahaha” and by this point everyone around me was laughing because clearly this lady is a self entitled, egotistical idiot. Then she goes “well I don’t want you to help me out, I want him” and points to one of my coworkers and beckons him over like he’s her slave or something. Then they walked away and everyone was just cracking up.

THEN the guy who helped her out with her groceries comes back and tells me that she was ranting to him saying “people like her with big holes in their ears are savages who will abuse their spouses” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. For some reason I got tears in my eyes but then I thought to myself why would I waste even a second of my precious time crying over someone who is so clearly misinformed, ignorant and self righteous that they truthfully believe that completely moronic assumption. But really, who does this bitch think she is? It’s actually really disappointing to me that people like this actually exist. She messed with the wrong employee too because I DO NOT take shit from customers. Her attempt to belittle me was so pathetic. In my world, everyone is equal. I don’t care who the fuck you are, I treat people of all walks of life equally. And I actually feel bad for her that she is so into herself that she can’t even forget about the fact that she is a doctor for 10 minutes while she’s at the grocery store because that’s her only source of self esteem and entitlement.

I am super calm and laidback and it takes A LOT to get me mad, but this lady got my blood boiling. How can someone possibly be so ignorant and self absorbed? It truly baffles me.

I feel like I am incapable of being loved. It’s not necessarily a sad thing for me. I really just can’t even imagine myself in a comfortable relationship with someone.

I saw a quote on here the other day that really stuck out to me:
“Those who are hardest to love need it the most.”

And I couldn’t agree more. I crave love and I want love but I make it impossible to attain. I truthfully don’t allow myself to have feelings for people and vice versa. It’s really strange and I have no idea when I’m going to get past this, but until then I suppose I should glorify my independence.

Literally every single one of my school assignments makes me want to rip my hair out because they all make me feel like I’m being brainwashed.

for example I’m doing this assignment on college applications and I’m supposed to compare two apps and decide which would be more likely to be accepted into a university… not only do you review the application, but they give you a PDF document of these fake students “blogs” and I just want to throw my computer across the room. And on all the applications its all like “i was involved in this extra curricular and I did this and that in high school” and I really just think that this assignment is garbage. I only go to school once a week and I still feel like I’m being brainwashed… I can’t imagine how distorted some kids must feel that have to attend school everyday.

I feel like all schools teach you to be a sheep and if you can expand your mind and see past the bullshit that you are being spoon fed by your educational system, that’s extremely admirable.

Learning is awesome and we really are blessed to be able to receive and education but I draw the line when they start trying to implement social “requirements” into the curriculum. I feel like there is no acceptance in our educational system and it’s such a shame.

It’s the struggle of being an alternative thinker in a conservative’s world.

Caution: Morbid thought proceeding

Does it freak anyone else out that you can seriously die at any moment? Like it gives me such a sick, sinking feeling. I think a contributing factor to this sick feeling is the fact that I have no true religion so whereas religious people strongly believe in an afterlife, I personally don’t so I’m not gonna lie, it does scare me to think that when I die there might just be nothing. I dunno, but I think about it a lot and it makes me want to cry….