I hate the fact that I enjoy being alone so much. Its the worst when people ask me to hang out but I’m in one of my “moods” where I just want to eat, lay in bed, think, read, listen to music and watch movies alone. I try to politely decline the invitation but everyone always takes it personally… IT’S REALLY NOT PERSONAL. I wish people tried to understand introverts more. I love my friends but to an introvert alone time is absolutely essential and almost healing. I can’t be around people 24/7… it will literally drive me insane.

And the weird thing is that I’m really not antisocial… I love socializing… just only when I’m in the mood to. Some people thrive on social interaction and I really just prefer to be by myself a lot.

I just had the greatest talk with my brother. I swear we are the same exact person… I don’t even know what I would do without him. Anyway, I told him all about seeing the Chili Peppers and we got into this whole talk about music and how much it means to us. Me and my brother always say that music is our religion. I may not play an instrument but that doesn’t justify how strongly I feel about music.

Music makes me cry often and a lot of people don’t understand when I tell them that, simply because I don’t think the average person truly feels music the way my brother and I do.

We started talking about how people always treat music like its a competition and people always try to fit you into a music stereotype but you can tell when someone is a real music fan when they don’t try to show off their knowledge about music 24/7.

For people who really love and care about their music it becomes a personal, almost spiritual, encounter. For the people who really love music, it isn’t a chance for you to show off. The people who really love their music are secure enough with their music to know that they don’t have anything to prove. The people who truly care about music just feel it, enjoy it, and live by it.

Music isn’t about how much you know. Music is about how it makes you feel. As long as you are listening to music that you enjoy, that’s all I care about. And I could care less about how much you know about any musician.

Music is peace. Music is love. Music is the voice of the people.

I feel like I’m walking into my future blindly. I feel like everyone I know has figured out where they want to go. I feel like everyone around me knows exactly what they want and I’m just kind of floating through life with no direction. After spending so much time worrying about where I’m going I have come to the conclusion that maybe this is just how I was meant to live my life. I feel as though I was meant to not have a distinct path and in realizing this I will stumble upon what is meant to be whenever the time is right. I can’t waste anymore time wondering where I will be and if I’m on the right path…. I simply just need to live in the present moment and embrace my personal journey.

I have realized that I absolutely can not be in a relationship any time soon. I am waaaay too free spirited. I could not handle being tied down, I think it would seriously damage my spirit. It’s pretty enlightening to realize this because now I feel no pressure to be anything to anyone besides a friend and I like that. I really don’t plan on being with anyone for years. I love my freedom and independence and I am about to be in the prime of my life… it would be foolish to compromise that. So yeah, single life is great

Story time!
Okay so a while back this middle aged homeless lady got caught stealing a bottle of vodka from my work. When a female gets caught they have to have another girl witness in the room to observe so my boss asked me to be the witness. She was an absolute wreck. She was hysterically crying and I truly felt so bad for her. Idk but when I see someone in need I just have to do something to help so she proceeded to tell me about how she’s an alcoholic who lost her whole family and home because of her addiction. So I started giving her a pep talk. (The guys who were arresting her were looking at me like I was crazy for trying to help this woman) I told her that this incident was her wake up call and how she can turn her life around of she really wants to. I told her that I believed in her and that she just needs to believe in herself. Ya know, things of that nature. We continued to talk for a while. At the end of our talk I gave her a hug and wished her luck. She kept thanking me for the encouragement. Well today, about 5 months later, I was at work and I turned the corner and I saw her! I went up to her and said hello and she immediately embraced me and said “thank you so much for believing in me, sweetie.” We chatted for a little and she told me how she’s in AA and has a part time job. She looked great too.

Idk but for the first time in my life I felt like my existence was important to someone. It was a lovely feeling and it made me so happy to see her so confident and happy in comparison to the broken woman I saw previously.

I’m glad my compassion inspired someone.

So I decided that I am going to boycott makeup… well I guess not boycott because I will still wear it on occassion but definitely not everyday. The last week I haven’t worn any makeup and I can’t even begin to tell you how good it feels. My skin feels like it can breath. Yesterday it rained and it was amazing to be able to walk out into the rain without being paranoid about my makeup getting messed up. I just feel so much better without it. I don’t feel fake, I feel natural.

I also realized that I am not obligated to be visually pleasing to other people. Of course I think I look better with makeup… but I feel worse. And I think my feelings are a lot more important than being eye candy.

And I have also realized how pointless makeup is… the universe intended me to look this way so why would I hide that? And I would hope that we form more genuine bonds with people in our lives that others wouldn’t dismiss me for such a superficial reason.

It’s honestly such a liberating feeling to not rely on makeup to feel good about myself. I actually feel so much more confident and relaxed without it.

I have realized that I have a real problem with opening up to people. I literally NEVER tell anyone how I am feeling… ever. I think this stems from being told my whole life by my family, teachers, friends that I am “too sensitive” and “too emotional.” Therefore I have been taught my entire life to be ashamed of my feelings and conceal them at all costs. I grew up in a household where it was looked down upon to confront someone about how you feel and express yourself because if you did then it would usually result in an arguement…. (too many strong personalities under one roof) Everything was always very shushed and personal. And now I find that this environment has made me incredibly passive.

When someone hurts my feelings, instead of talking to them about it, I bottle it up, push it aside, and tell myself to get over it. This causes me to manifest a lot of resentment that continually builds and because of my extreme fear of confrontation I never solve any problem. I act like everything is okay all of the time because I don’t want to seem vulnerable and I don’t want to feel ashamed.

I really don’t know how to solve this character flaw but people say that admitting you have a problem is the first step so I guess I am making progress even if it means I am just more aware of how much I am suppressing.